Since I wrote a review watching a movie with good ol’ Uncle Joe Biden, I felt it only fair to do the same with Uncle Donald Trump. Now this was a tougher nut to crack, with Trump being POTUS and all. But I had an idea – I had my people reach out to the Trump people (aka his kids) and challenged the Commander-in-Chief to a charity golf match, as long as he agreed to also watch a movie with me. I claimed to be the GOAT (Greatest Of All Time) of amateur golfers, which they initially pooh-poohed. I then countered with the clincher: “And everybody knows it!” and they fell for it – wooo – I was in!
First with the movie choice. Uncle Don is a big fan of Bruce Willis, and I needed to review a newer movie, so I went with this one. Once strip-searched by the Secret Service, we settled down in a recreation room of a Trump golf course at an undisclosed location. The Donald doesn’t drink alcohol, so he sipped a diet Coke while I chose a Belgian Ale from the well-stocked fridge. As soon as the movie started, Uncle Don went off – yacking, laughing, heckling and constantly commenting how he could do a scene so much better. He even started calling Bruce “Sleepy Joe”. I felt like I was in the middle of the Trump-Biden debate debacle, but managed, with a little help from my previously consumed 420 helper, to focus on the movie and tune out the President.
Well, bottom-line, another Bruce Willis movie that BLOWS! I really don’t understand how movies like this even get made. I get it that this one was written, directed, and produced all by the same clowns – the Cullen brothers, which I never heard of – no wonder! But someone had to pony up the money to pay the actors, film, edit, etc. right? Who in their right mind paid for this schlock? Or was it simply a matter of having one big star (like Willis), and that’s enough of a draw to guarantee a certain return on equity, i.e. it will make some money no matter how bad the script, production or acting? Come on, man! This was supposed to be a comedy and I chuckled exactly three times during the entire flick. THREE TIMES!! Jiminy Christmas!
So, let’s go into a little more detail before we shut this one down for good. Right off the bat, it started off with a cringe-worthy scene – Willis was giving a silly speech to a bunch of kids, and then went skate boarding. Now does ANYONE believe this old coot can skateboard? No! By the way, Mr. Trump said he could skateboard circles around “old man Willis”. This was actually one of the THREE laughs during this movie! You would think they would drop this whole angle but no, they doubled down later. But then, another ridiculous scene. The co-star (who was actually the best actor in this one – Tom Middleditch), who was a partner in Bruce’s private detective business, found a young lady they were hired to locate and brought her to Willis’ place to stay overnight. And then they immediately had sex. Now does ANYONE believe this geezer would have sex with a 25-year-old beauty? HAIL NO! That’s strike two. Incredibly, this laughable scene took a turn for the worst. The brothers that hired Bruce came to his place, found out he had sex with their sister, and proceeded to beat the crap out of him. But Bruce escaped by diving off his balcony into a pool, where his shorts conveniently fell off. Then the most ludicrous chase scene (and most cringe-worthy) ensued with a naked Bruce (on his stupid skateboard) escaped the two brothers in A FUCKING TRUCK. Does ANYONE believe this old fogy could evade someone in a truck on a skateboard? FUCK NO!! Strike three, this movie was a complete shit-show.
One last thing, the dopes that made this mess incorporated the incredibly lame device of freezing the film whenever a new character was introduced, with the narrator (another very lame device) telling a brief story about said character. News flash Cullen bros – your characters SUCKED! We didn’t give a shit who they were, what they did and how they fit into this train wreck of a flick. The less we knew about them the better – in fact leave them out entirely and maybe this movie would have been half-watchable. Speaking of characters – even David Arquette had the good sense to have a role that lasted exactly five seconds in this movie – good move, Dave! But John Goodman – lordy, was he on drugs while this was filmed? His acting flipped back and forth between completely bizarre and half asleep. I could not tell if he was actually reciting the lines in the script or just making them up as they went along.
Bottom line – calling this movie a pile of crap is an insult to piles of crap. I gave it 1 Bruce Willis bare ass out of 50. Even Trump hated it – he said he was returning Bruce’s $100 check to his re-election campaign!
After the movie, we then proceeded to the golf match. Now truth be told, good ol’ CK is not the GOAT, in fact, I’m basically a bogie golfer – I shoot in the low 90s, occasionally break 90 on a good day. But believe me, Mr. President was not much better – one of his early drives reminded me of Sir Charles Barkley (google his golf swing) and I almost burst out laughing, but amazingly he kept it in the fairway. On the next hole, I saw him execute an obvious foot-wedge, and was about to call it out, but noticed the Secret Service agent shadowing me pointing to his baton, then shaking his head and waving a finger. The message was clear – anything goes for the President. So, to cut a long story short, Uncle Don did beat me by three strokes, but that included two foot-wedges, three gimme putts of over ten feet (wait what??) and a mulligan. Eh, the experience was well worth it, and the dough went to a good cause, and I didn’t end up on the losing side of a Secret Service wooden shampoo, so I’m not complaining.