Another stellar cast folks – starring Val “Iceman” Kilmer as Robbie and Carrie-Anne Moss from The Matrix fame as commander Kate, leader of the mission. Tom Sizemore played Quinn, a brilliant geneticist with multiple PhDs. But he acted pretty much every other character he usually plays, a sleazy dirt bag. Yeah we buy that one… not! Oh, and here was Terence “General Zod” Stamp as Doctor Bud – he’s like a frickin’ bad penny in these movies.
Now Kilmer can be a hammy actor, and I had a hankering for a ham sammich, but after some silly mugging early on, he was actually very good in this one. Guess I went hongry during this film. Speaking of “hongry”, why do singers always pronounce “hungry” in their songs as “hongry”? And why is “before” always pronounced “be-foe”? Yet more questions for the ages…
Anywho, this was a typical space exploration plot – planet earth was being destroyed by humans and we needed to find another habitable planet to survive as a species. So, we seeded algae on Mars, it miraculously grew and created a breathable atmosphere, but then suddenly disappeared. Send in the boys (and only one woman, but with Matrix powers, commander Kate held her own). It took six months to get there, so the usual space travel shenanigans ensued, Robby and Kate seemed attracted to each other, but nothing happened. And of course, right before they were ready to land on mars, a good ol’ solar flare popped up with no warning and ravaged the ship. Pffftt… this wasn’t anticipated during the design of an inter-planetary spaceship? What a lame “crisis”. Well, the boys ejected from the ship (which lost power) and Kate stayed behind, they landed via parachute in a vehicle protected by balloons, then bounced in silly Monty Python fashion off a cliff, plummeting thousands of feet to the bottom of a ravine. Happily, General Zod suffered a ruptured spleen and was toast, chose to stay behind and died as the remaining guys headed to the habitation site. Adios General!
The remaining crew got to the site and exclaimed “oh shit!” when they saw the habitat had been destroyed, realizing going through the wreckage there was nothing salvageable. Ever notice how many times an actor says “shit!” in a movie? It would make a great drinking/toking game, though by the end of most movies you would be hammered/wasted to the bejesus. So where did this even come from? When did people start saying “shit!” every time something goes wrong? Why shit? Here’s my theory – back in the olden days, shit was everywhere. People and animals just shit all over the place, and as people walked around, they were constantly stepping in it. Therefore, it follows that if one, especially in bare feet, stepped in a steaming pile of crap, they would instinctively cry out the identify of said podiatric affront, i.e., “oh shit!” Well, in any event, I think it’s too cliché and needs to be substituted by other exclamations, such as “dang it!” or “bloody nora!” or, best of all, “Jiminy Christmas!”
Dang, off the rails again. So where was I? Oh yes, the crew quickly realized they only had about one hour left of oxygen in their suits. To expediate the inevitable end, Robby took off his helmet, and, you could hear Gomer Pyle yelling, “surprise surprise!” – he could breathe. Yay, they were saved! But then a side plot – a security robot named “AMEE” that they thought was lost in the crash returned, but due to damage, attacked the crew, wounding Quinn. Man vs machine again! AMEE then killed another crew member. When they found his body, they discovered the mystery of why the algae and atmosphere had disappeared. Martian insect-like life (reminded me of locusts but “doctor” Quinn ludicrously called them nematodes) were found feeding on the corpse. Even more ridiculously, they were flammable, and a cutting torch used to free a radio from the corpse caused the insects to explode in a chain reaction – it was actually quite funny!
So these Martian insects had been eating the algae, causing an explosion in their population. But they also excreted oxygen, which was why they were able to breathe in areas where the algae was gone. Seriously? Come on, man! In any event, as expected, Quinn got eaten by the insects, leaving only Robby left to try to return to the orbiting ship commanded by Kate. Will he make it? I will stop here, but overall, this was an entertaining movie in this genre. Worth a watch! Six My Favorite Martians out of nine.